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Smell of autumn on my fingers is fading
Dragging me into hibernation
Moving me to ignore the world
until the sun can yet wake me again

The sun finds my mind
Illuminating my curiosity with Books
Old wisdom and young idealists
Bound in the pages, calling for a read

Winter is coming
The season is not a place holder
tiding you over til love breaks forth
In the season of birth, Spring

Music energizes my body
Move girl, move
This world is not for the sleepy
Find your rhythm and move

Find the words and the movement
The places calling for your attention
Enjoy them all the more
Reliving the experience in writing

November 9th, 2006

Pollen

Pressure building, Head pounding,
Sinuses screaming - Congestion

Scratching, Sneezing, Dripping nose
One Nostril passing air

Throaty voice, Elmer Fudd nose
Can you understand me?

Decongestant, Antihistamine, Decongestant
Four boxes of tissue
Allergies

5/17/06

Racing in the Moment

I want to race across to the ocean with you to see what our hearts will do
To face the breakers in the cold fierce wind with eyes to the horizon
Standing on a cliff with arms held out and twirling around in the sun
Laughing at the blur of all things that flash by
our legs fly over the ground

Like walking in the rain on a hot summer's day
I feel the steam rising from my skin
Holding hands just know that we have touched one another in some way
How much time is too much
how long do you need to think about someone
The electricity that I watch with fascination
mesmerized by me and you

To always leap and dance with absolute abandon and joy
Spin me around one more time only to spin me back your way
A moment is all I need
To know how to breathe though it is hitched
To always be tormented by lack of oxygen and recognition

Hitchcock's Genius

The water is moving rapidly today
I sit here and feel the moisture in the wood from last night's rain
A front is coming in
I don't need the weather man to tell me
I can feel it in the wind as it blows my hair in front of my eyes
Making my writing hard to see
I see the front coming in the river's choppy waves
The sun is out and really that is what I care about
Too many storms and overcast days have clouded my mind for sometime
I write better here even with the seagull staring at me
Reminding me that Hitchcock was a genius
The gull wants food and is only three feet from me
All I have is coffee
I wonder what a hopped up on caffeine seagull would look like

March 16, 2006

The Science of Breathing

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Stressed, I breathe faster, shallow.
The world is spinning too fast for me.

Relaxed, I breathe slower, rhythmic.
Wisdom are my actions and motions.

Not finding my breath, the world ceases to exist.
I work solely on substaining a breath.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathing is voluntary motion.
Apathy is my abhorrence.

March 29, 2006

Doubt

How can I doubt myself
Mistakes I make are my own
I learn to own who I am
Who else can I be

Who else is there to judge me if not myself
Others can only reflect mistakes that I've made
Not flaws in character
I am the possessor of those

I am not here to judge people around me
I'd cast the stones upon myself first
Not for sins that I have done
But not to hurt any who are in my company

For what is this life if not to touch another
To feel a touch that is in love
Far too often we brush up against another's edges
Bruised and cut by unintentional words and actions

I do not want this from myself
I offer down the humblest apologies
Life is already a myriad of unanswered questions
I do not want anyone's scars to come from me

April 03,2006

Mile after Mile

In every mile I left a part of myself
In every cloud I left a little fairytale
Would not turn around
My brain only knows how to go forward
Even if my heart is slower, lingering in my memories

Turning forward requires better energy than I have
Small increments is all I can handle
Focusing when my brain wants to be superficial
Splits me into separate personalities again

I am doing the best I can
The emotional ability available to me
Is not at a peak
And I am scared of staying in retreat

Somewhere out there is a cloud with my name on it
Somewhere I will start out on new ground
I feel myself gearing up for the emotional shift
While staving off the impatience to change

Broken

Broken

Down

Finally
Defenseless

Can't stop
The onslaught

Emotions turning
Churning until I am

No
more

Useless to stop
The FEAR

That once would only make me
STRONG

I have nothing
Right now

Lost myself
To fear of diagnosis

Once found and reveled
Is no more

Count me down
I won’t get up

Lost
What I had not found

Broken

Down

July 30, 2005

The Scream

The scream; anguish, a low rending sound that moans; cries
Pounds against the heart wanting release from its own misery

Pain; howling, snarling, scratching, relentless pursuit
Chasing down, coyotes, snapping at the heels, teeth bearing down 'till it can be felt

Rain patters, drops splash, cold, there is no shelter
Flinching; each drop falls, lonely and deserted with no roof in sight

Sadness; mourning, a wash of waterfalls that spill over this break in the bend
The current leaves no opportunities in this direction

A void, emptiness, a vastness where something valuable stood, then decimated
Connections are broken by nothing but distance and confusion

Shattered, fragile pieces, quiet explosion felt, blunt trauma to the heart and head
A whisper not uttered breaks delicateness into a million pieces

Coldness; shaking, icy wind numbs the face, a dream still dreamt
Refusing to die, shivering without a blanket to hold

Picking, the itchy scab that forms, ugly in its discoloration
Bleed wounds freely; no scar; new skin only

Ashes, gray, disguise the color, the beauty
Covering the shiny newness of a path traveled only a few steps

Scraping, sound, shivers, down the spine
The pick, the axe, working, shedding debris, knocking down the walls left standing

Frustration shouts, pounds, for action, no action can be taken; now
Action, only, to learn how to be softer, to mend, to re-grow what was given away,

Splashing, sinking down, drowning, a morbid reverberation,
Tossing away pieces, weights; once a part of the whole that impeded before

Wanting, craving, amending, somehow, useless
No words uttered now, can make a sound, meaningful?

Silence, softens, in its immensity, the edges with thought
Thoughts, changing perspective, soften the heart, do not disrupt the quiet solace

Sigh, temperate, a release of meaning
Resigned, sorrow, frustration, finally acceptance, then recovery

May 31, 2004

Recovery

I guess I can smile again; I caught myself just now
Some inconsequential moment in which you never figured me out
Caught myself playing the what if’ game should we ever meet again
I wondered if we could be friends without reservations

You tried to let me know softly; you let me know slowly to turn away
You tried to do what was right even when I turned a blind eye
I tried to do what was noble and least burdensome even though I just wanted to have fun
I wanted to idealize the potential without complications, yet give my heart softness and fullness

I was being idealistic and you were being realistic
You never promised what you couldn't give
Yet I was still holding out hope 'til I realized you were always saying goodbye
Then my heart broke all over again for all the possibilities that passed me by

There was a point where I wanted your heart to hurt as mine was
But then again I've never been good at wishing misery on others
At another point I questioned your heart and would not have believed anything
Yet I believe in you; my heart treasures those rare moments refusing to disparage them

We believed and then did not, letting impossibilities stand in our way
Maybe those obstacles were real because I see them now
This was not fool's gold even though all that shimmered I could not hold
Frustration at reaching for all that I value and coming up with air

Can't protect my heart after all the good you helped do, bringing down the walls guarding it
My heart stands alone wondering where all the joy it felt has gone
The bandage I ripped away was not fast enough; I'll heal and re-grow the piece I gave you
Then I can love fully, freely, even if the risk is now tenfold what it was

I can live again, once I move a little from this place
You know the scream, that anguished sound? My heart makes it now
I don't doubt it's wrong to resume along; still not what you think
We were not honest enough; forgiven, because we had nothing in which to grasp

You helped me dream again; knowing what I believe is what matters and holds worth
So imagine the surprise that appears in your eyes when I think of you and smile
I will take some time to move that smile from now to the past
I'll never think of you anything other than good

May 22, 2004

Here and There

Paradoxical Dichotomy

There: A whirlwind of flavors
The coffee is stronger
The food more flavorful
History a touch deeper

Upon coming home
No Joyous relief so Profound
Has been known as
Sinking, delicately, deliciously
Into my Pillow

Home, a place I have made for myself
A place where
Time, energy, and care
Make it my own

Life may seem a little more Colorful There
Here, A little more diluted
Richer for being there
Feel nothing so deep than the Plushness
Of Here

People there
As Different as here
Masks of Politeness; Gallic Shrugs
Political Demeanors and Friendly smiles
Candid teasing
Connecting the memories between There and Here

Treasuring certain moments
On very rare occasions
Witnessed landmarks the world knows
Yet are precious to me
For I have seen them

These recollections are pulled out: Sacred
Because I am here and not there
Not taking for granted such sights and people
Because not having seen them for a time
Here and there
I cherish Here

June 21, 2004

Sometimes Philosophy

Philosophy

Sometimes reality is what you believe
Believing what people perceive, what your heart whispers, or what your conditioning accepts

Sometimes perception doesn't count

Sometimes, given only two alternatives there exists a secret third option
Most ultimatums, even the one your mind creates, never truly exist

Sometimes we when choose our circumstances; we are obligated to find out our reasons why
Sometimes when given an opportunity, it’s best just to take it

Projecting out into the future can mean letting go of the present
Sometimes we are given what we need in the right now

Sometimes the learning is the most important lesson
Sometimes distance is just a state a mind

Sometimes catching up to say, 'slow down' is as important as catching up to walk with someone
Taking a step back to where you were, can be more objective than taking a step away, sometimes not

Sometimes even if you lose, the risk was worth taking the chance
Sometimes the chance is worth more than the risk and the loss

Even the scariest moments can gain us something
Fear contains a secret that will set you free

Sometimes absolutes are just in our imagination
Always and Never are extremes we should not have to choose

Sometimes the brick wall that you crash into, gives the greatest insight to yourself
If control were everything, then life would be best lived alone

Sometimes impossibilities are the only realities that matter
Sometimes differences offer the best choices

Sometimes ambition can get you where you're going as long as it doesn't take you away from yourself

Sometimes the standards you set for yourself are high enough
Sometimes living is the greatest feat of accomplishment

Sometimes, sometimes is everything
Sometimes, sometimes is the chance that comes along granting the wish you never knew you wanted

Sometimes you expect a moment to mean nothing more than the moment
Sometimes a moment changes who you are

May 30, 2004

Easy

Easy would be taking what I feel and putting it on a shelf or killing it off
Not having to deal with the chaos of emotions that swarm my head
Making each decision a cold analytical study instead of being unencumbered to feel
Could live in a bubble in which no one can reach me

Easy would be giving my heart away to anyone that came along
Enjoying moment by moment without contemplation or consequences
No responsibility for what I am feeling; feeling without thought
Every experience becomes tinged with falseness and anything real slips by

Easy would be being the Supreme Being in my universe
Knowing what life had in store and acting on a preplanned strategy
Arranging the world to my liking; shutting out what is distasteful to my palate
No one could affect me because I would have no heart

Easy would be staying home all the time becoming a recluse
The world would not exist for me; life would become peripheral
Not engaging with anyone or anything; numbed as if watching TV
My heart would be a vast winter land, disaffected and my brain would be on hold

Easy to give up on everyone and everything
Easy to trust the world for what it is
Easy to live in denial; to believe in all the world
Easy to be cynical and jaded
Easy to see just the black and white

Never want the easy way out
Never want to think that working reaching for what I want is too much
Never want to disregard colors or the shades of gray
Never want to think life is an either and an or
Never want to the see the impossibilities of trying to combine the extremes
Never want to let an opportunity go by because it is difficult
Never want to give up on hope
Never want to believe in easy

April 14, 2004

Ever and Now

If ever there was
If there ever could be
Without me
My ever will never see

Ever not to plan
Ever unfolds in the sands
Ever comes from now
Now to the future, will not bow

Now I will not forget
Now, what will become of it
Now is; in the now
Ever to those behind somehow

Ever is not what I dream
Now in the ever seam
Ever becomes a fantasy
The now is just a part of me

November 04,2000

Six Perfect Hours

Six perfect hours has ended
Opened ended; five months later
My heart lays exposed; my walls crumpled

Beauty lies heavy in the air the way sex does
Two people stripping down each others defenses
Erasing time
Building a world that exists wholly onto itself

A special point in time that captures every other moment
Nothing else can be built
Timing can not be manufactured

Reliving each frame as time slips by
Questioning words spoken serves no purpose
Silences are more fraught with meaning

Interpreting meaning is useless
For feeling is deep, deeper and stiller; glossed
A lake’s surface on a calm day

Perfection has no value
Other than what life takes as what's due
The toll as left me shattered
I would not change it as the reward has shifted us both

Take six hours and press it into tissue
Siena, the picture, that must be become a memory
Moments, sometimes, remain moments
Detours make the traveling too difficult

Six hours, a time warp in my mind
A merry-go-round that I keep hopping onto
Ending up not exactly where I started

My heart has deepened; meaning been gained
Dreams I had; you re-ignited; I work towards again
Sadness will not dwell here long
Holding onto to what’s reborn forever

September 17, 2004

Soothing

Soothing, the music caresses the soul the way water fills me, washes me in calm
Hearing the refrain brings a memory that sees, feels, and smells
Deep Blue Something’s song brings a laundry line, a guitar and man’s voice
Reminding me of a carefree girl that just found that the world is a jewel
A promise and a secret that belongs to her and anyone else who would seek it
Delight surrounds the air, dancing along the gentle breeze wafting with the notes of a cheap guitar

Memory is sealed some 10 years after, fossilized in the breast like the secret that cannot be told
Carrying the world on shoulders that know the sunlight touches life differently than it once did
Recollections and visits to the ocean redeem the choices
No longer is the world alight with infinite possibilities
A life and a direction now built knows what road was not taken
Wonderings at what else life could have held, better or worse, are only reflections

Yet, Blue Skies sings away maudlin ramblings and brings sunshine back into focus
I hear the choruses in certain moments and wish for the moment that life could be sung
Like an old Hollywood musical or a Broadway show, I would break out into song instead of speaking
Maybe I would tap or dance my way through periods of life
Seemingly others have at times expressed the moment more eloquently than I
I could stitch together the lyrics and sing my thoughts out

Seeing old friends brings to mind again that this instant is but a flash
Maybe the course is not set and possibilities are still alight in my mind
Sun arises again, and again I am washed by its light
The air is now cleaner and I breathe deep the chances that are offered to me
Being reminded that change comes constantly and consistently
Change evolves the mind making it sharper, kinder, and more aware

Taking moments such as these, spinning them around in the mind to see their refractions of light
Hold all these thoughts close to the heart and let them nourish my sometimes-deprived soul
From here I can take the next step into the next moment because I walk on a foundation
That step is where I can test my wings and feel the glory of wind as it rushes and lifts
It is a scary instant when progressing into the future because only hindsight is perfect
Yet I know I would be bereft of all the flights my soul is destined to take between here and eternity

Maybe the flight has a different tenor and resonance than the reckless flights before
Appreciating the scenery as well as the flight becomes a priority for the senses
Every granule is as important as the whole even though synergy makes the picture
Every heartbeat is unlocked, unfrozen and beats with renewed vigor
From above the water, the wind and land below still soothe me; making for an easy landing


February 1, 2004

Void

I miss you, I miss the whole of you
I miss the moment we were; I miss that feeling, like I could breathe
I miss the way you held me; the way your voice cradled me
I miss the way my soul sang at having a connection like that
I miss the joy when I thought about the moment we share
I miss the way you looked at me; the intensity is burned in my mind
I miss holding your hand; the way you held mine, so secure
I miss being in your arms; I miss laughing in your arms
I miss the silence in which we spoke
I miss teasing you and trying to make you laugh
I miss your smile
I miss your presence enfolding me in security like a hug
I miss the passion you ignited
I miss touching you; I miss your touch
I miss trying to figure you out; I miss the puzzle you created
I miss the trying, even through email
I miss the possibilities, the chances, the beginnings
I miss the learning, learning about each other
I miss when we tried
I miss you

May 22, 2004