Recovery

I guess I can smile again; I caught myself just now
Some inconsequential moment in which you never figured me out
Caught myself playing the what if’ game should we ever meet again
I wondered if we could be friends without reservations

You tried to let me know softly; you let me know slowly to turn away
You tried to do what was right even when I turned a blind eye
I tried to do what was noble and least burdensome even though I just wanted to have fun
I wanted to idealize the potential without complications, yet give my heart softness and fullness

I was being idealistic and you were being realistic
You never promised what you couldn't give
Yet I was still holding out hope 'til I realized you were always saying goodbye
Then my heart broke all over again for all the possibilities that passed me by

There was a point where I wanted your heart to hurt as mine was
But then again I've never been good at wishing misery on others
At another point I questioned your heart and would not have believed anything
Yet I believe in you; my heart treasures those rare moments refusing to disparage them

We believed and then did not, letting impossibilities stand in our way
Maybe those obstacles were real because I see them now
This was not fool's gold even though all that shimmered I could not hold
Frustration at reaching for all that I value and coming up with air

Can't protect my heart after all the good you helped do, bringing down the walls guarding it
My heart stands alone wondering where all the joy it felt has gone
The bandage I ripped away was not fast enough; I'll heal and re-grow the piece I gave you
Then I can love fully, freely, even if the risk is now tenfold what it was

I can live again, once I move a little from this place
You know the scream, that anguished sound? My heart makes it now
I don't doubt it's wrong to resume along; still not what you think
We were not honest enough; forgiven, because we had nothing in which to grasp

You helped me dream again; knowing what I believe is what matters and holds worth
So imagine the surprise that appears in your eyes when I think of you and smile
I will take some time to move that smile from now to the past
I'll never think of you anything other than good

May 22, 2004