Waiting for the Sun

Driving along the highway
I watched as a few stars peaked over the tree line
Feeling alone again and barricaded in the loneliness of my mind
The tree line gave way for a moment and the big dipper appeared
On the edge of the horizon

Quickly the trees appeared and again I saw only the twinkling of a few stars

Night comes heavier in Fall and only gives way to darker nights of Winter
Earlier and colder they come
As the chilled wind races over the highway

The stars come earlier too
Lighting the sky in crystal clarity that can only be cold
They sparkle, the billions of the them firing the years away
Coming to us only so we can see them; basking in our admiration

Their names twinkle to those who look up
Yet my neck is tired and heavy with disappointment
I am finding it hard to venture the stars own mythology that I love

Lend me your light will you?
It is hard to see at night with no moon
I must raise my gaze to you even then

The rhyme comes back to me from my teenage years
I am not doing a good job holding it back
Fulfilling every self-fulfilling prophecy

Yet it can't be true because my answering machine is suddenly alive
I must answer these calls like I do when the stars beg me to look up
For how else would I be alive?

December 07, 2005

Living In a Box

I like how you perceive me when you do not know who I am

I like your conception of me

I like the way you try and fit me into a box with labels already made

I like the fact that you got me all figured out

When I surprise you, it was just a fluke

When I do not judge you, it because you already have made my mind up for me

When I do not conform to the right or the left, it is because society is thinking for me

When I finally get angry, I am what you thought you would see, & you can say goodbye

So you do not understand that I cannot hate you

You cannot understand that I make up my own mind

You will not see the colors because the black and white is easier

You do not see that I have been there

I waited for you to show me who you are; what do I have to be so you can see me

See that even though all people are not the same that they share some compatibility

See that opportunities and chances in this life are sometime rare

See that if you judge me, you will never understand me

Go ahead and play with your friends because you like your bubble

New ideas cannot be welcome if they cause you to think about your perspective

Do not understand that everything is not defined

You, who would turn away if anyone defined you

Someday life is going to shock you and your character will be the better for it

Someday life is going change and you will not know where you are

Someday life is going to be harder than you realized

Someday life is going to reward you for living through it

May 15, 2004

Feel

I am not sure how I feel
Has it been so long since I started to strip away the walls
Too many, in abundance, to know what I feel
I don't want to be kept in darkness and secret
Need to fully know all my nuances
I am happy, sad, scared, irritated, and frustrated

Frustration is slowly dying
Fear is standing on the brink
Sadness is examining the past
Irritation doesn't want to be in existence but hasn't played it's turn out
Happiness in knowing someone new;
teaching me the next lesson of this journey

I am cautious in my new acquaintances
Waiting to see what connection I am making
I reach and find gladness in knowing that someone out there is:
True, good, sweet, passionate, fun and knows that touching is how we survive

I hang in the balance
Approaching this wall that was hidden away
Exploring it for it's function; purpose
I wait to see which way my heart jumps
Yet I know that no matter;
This is worth the knowing

The Unwritten Soundtrack

Music surrounded; in and of itself,
layered harmonies, melodies; simplistic, raw, pure
a soundtrack that occupies my waking moments note by note, building chords, riffs and then
progressions where all my vignettes are intertwined with song except
for this one

there is nothing that describes this fear
of losing what I have barely found
closing doors which have only been cracked open

no love song, no country cliché of heartbreak
no stereotypical pop formula to capture this gritty
devastating and irrational fear

Mozart could not bring this raw gripped feeling forward, not like
Bach whose Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor is aptly made
for a cheesy Bela Lugosi film; the monster he plays appears on screen
in some musty dank castle preparing to lure in his next victim
as the music starts
the Tocatta

the same music yet captures me running after the promise
I found in me, a special part that freed me from my own walls
Not unlike the villagers burning the castle in order to
save their children; I only long to enjoy my new found self
making sure I am not ripped from it

I rather be swept up in the Brandenburg Concerto No. 2
or lifted by Water Music Suite – by Handel
to be that noble, full of joy, the sunshine of just a smile
combined with the magic of Vildaldi’s Seasons –Spring
nothing can’t be handled in that place
that fairytale land where confidence doesn’t flee you
where life is all of what is inside

Sun

Sun calling my name
Shine on me
Light my mind with clarity

Sun holding onto me
Firing up in the embrace
Melting down, I feel whole

Sun bring me out from these hazy shadows
Glare down on the fear that follows me in my image
Vanquished I come out to play

Sun pour in me and I pour to you
We are one
Bright and radiant as all the rest

Warm

Want

A stop; re-evaluation
Organize; Categorize
According to the alpha
To the numeric
To priorities set by the head
Set by the heart
By both

Organize by remembrances
By childhood happiness
By adult dissatisfaction
By the wildness of doing things never been done before

Maybe all the above
Maybe by none
By something new

Life; too pretty, too tempestuous not to make decisions
Me, for myself, demands thought and passion

Setting forth on an adventure
No baggage
No expectations
Searching for the elusive creature want

On safari beyond boundaries
Parasailing for the first time
Body Surfing tremendous tides
Riding a horse without holding the reins
Shivers down the spine
Falling in Love
Making a friend
Traveling to places, new

Defining, redefining
Editing
Polishing
Exploring to find what I want

Never wanting to not want at all

Blush

I'm falling back now
I'm leaning in to where the warmth is
I'm learning my needs
Without knowing the questions,
I'm given the knowledge of how

I am lighter with my insight
I am sadder in looking back
I am delicate in the strength
Fragile in every new step
Easier; faith is being restored

A new wind blows
I breathe freer
Stronger

Not so heavy
Not so hard
Not so cold
No philosophy is burying me

Feeling the flowers that have touched my face
The sun that has kissed me
Passionately; Sweetly
Highlighted am I