Feel

I am not sure how I feel
Has it been so long since I started to strip away the walls
Too many, in abundance, to know what I feel
I don't want to be kept in darkness and secret
Need to fully know all my nuances
I am happy, sad, scared, irritated, and frustrated

Frustration is slowly dying
Fear is standing on the brink
Sadness is examining the past
Irritation doesn't want to be in existence but hasn't played it's turn out
Happiness in knowing someone new;
teaching me the next lesson of this journey

I am cautious in my new acquaintances
Waiting to see what connection I am making
I reach and find gladness in knowing that someone out there is:
True, good, sweet, passionate, fun and knows that touching is how we survive

I hang in the balance
Approaching this wall that was hidden away
Exploring it for it's function; purpose
I wait to see which way my heart jumps
Yet I know that no matter;
This is worth the knowing

The Unwritten Soundtrack

Music surrounded; in and of itself,
layered harmonies, melodies; simplistic, raw, pure
a soundtrack that occupies my waking moments note by note, building chords, riffs and then
progressions where all my vignettes are intertwined with song except
for this one

there is nothing that describes this fear
of losing what I have barely found
closing doors which have only been cracked open

no love song, no country cliché of heartbreak
no stereotypical pop formula to capture this gritty
devastating and irrational fear

Mozart could not bring this raw gripped feeling forward, not like
Bach whose Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor is aptly made
for a cheesy Bela Lugosi film; the monster he plays appears on screen
in some musty dank castle preparing to lure in his next victim
as the music starts
the Tocatta

the same music yet captures me running after the promise
I found in me, a special part that freed me from my own walls
Not unlike the villagers burning the castle in order to
save their children; I only long to enjoy my new found self
making sure I am not ripped from it

I rather be swept up in the Brandenburg Concerto No. 2
or lifted by Water Music Suite – by Handel
to be that noble, full of joy, the sunshine of just a smile
combined with the magic of Vildaldi’s Seasons –Spring
nothing can’t be handled in that place
that fairytale land where confidence doesn’t flee you
where life is all of what is inside

Sun

Sun calling my name
Shine on me
Light my mind with clarity

Sun holding onto me
Firing up in the embrace
Melting down, I feel whole

Sun bring me out from these hazy shadows
Glare down on the fear that follows me in my image
Vanquished I come out to play

Sun pour in me and I pour to you
We are one
Bright and radiant as all the rest

Warm

Want

A stop; re-evaluation
Organize; Categorize
According to the alpha
To the numeric
To priorities set by the head
Set by the heart
By both

Organize by remembrances
By childhood happiness
By adult dissatisfaction
By the wildness of doing things never been done before

Maybe all the above
Maybe by none
By something new

Life; too pretty, too tempestuous not to make decisions
Me, for myself, demands thought and passion

Setting forth on an adventure
No baggage
No expectations
Searching for the elusive creature want

On safari beyond boundaries
Parasailing for the first time
Body Surfing tremendous tides
Riding a horse without holding the reins
Shivers down the spine
Falling in Love
Making a friend
Traveling to places, new

Defining, redefining
Editing
Polishing
Exploring to find what I want

Never wanting to not want at all

Blush

I'm falling back now
I'm leaning in to where the warmth is
I'm learning my needs
Without knowing the questions,
I'm given the knowledge of how

I am lighter with my insight
I am sadder in looking back
I am delicate in the strength
Fragile in every new step
Easier; faith is being restored

A new wind blows
I breathe freer
Stronger

Not so heavy
Not so hard
Not so cold
No philosophy is burying me

Feeling the flowers that have touched my face
The sun that has kissed me
Passionately; Sweetly
Highlighted am I

Elements

Wishing it had a half-life
Instead of burning inside of me, a never-ending fire
Tearing me up with no outlet
Now unsure of myself; so out of control
Always on a knife's edge
Leaning against it to keep the pain fresh
Scarring will never form and never heal
Beautiful in the beginning
when sharing was a star forming from the heat
bursting, explosive and transforming
Worlds form so far from each other
Orbits that never touch from the uncertainty
And it's all so precious this tortuous solidification of the elements

Breathe You Pretty

Fell over my head and wouldn't come up
Pushed away and now feel the loss
Your silence deafens the darkest point of the night
I'd climb that mountain if you had not been the one to put it there
All because I left these words too long
Time felt early even though the sky looked late
Like a winter's day when twighlight comes so soon
I grieve the space between my feelings and what became reality
Standing, looking for the swirl of colors that floated before my eyes
Seeing shadows of the life rearranged and turned
Feeling it all over again would float me away, eagerly
It would not happen with you
Yet I still breathe you pretty

Fallen

If love is an energy, then where does it go when hope falls behind?
Can thoughts travel to the person who is the object of them?
Will good-will travel at the speed of light or that of sound?
When all communication stops what senses pick up the slack?

How come tears shed continuously form no puddle?
Can snow reflect the light lost by the clouds?
Where are all the dogwoods in the city I remember?
Is practicality all that important or do dreams become reality?

Home

Every moment of being in this place infuses me with serenity
A place outside myself where enjoyment lives in continuity
With the landscape that sits before me

At the fog's tendrils touch the shore
Hugging it in one last embrace before the sun burns a little brighter
Forcing the morning lovers to part

At twilight, sounds move a little slower
Hearts take one beat at a time
Turning to face the oncoming night

Smelling the ocean from the boardwalk; Breathing a little deeper,
Feeling release from always active thoughts
Myself is not myself; myself is a part of here

The sounds, the smells, the motions
The continuousness and stillness intertwine
The motion creates the stillness; the stillness brings forth the motion

The smiles, the laughter, the voices, relax in their white sound
Come here with my paper and coffee, to breathe in the early morning
Soon the paper has been abandoned in favor of soaking in the world of here

This is not the only place
Other places have created the same belonging
That sense is displayed in the faces of the people who live there
The way people can see it in mine

I have heard Etta James from a boat's CD player on a Saturday morning
Like all noises here, it is not a distraction from the beauty
It enriches the landscape; adding and blending, setting the mood

Every motion is synchronous with every other
Given to relaxation to feel apart of this creation
Contributing and harmonizing with this place

Listen long enough and words of wisdom will answer every question, soothing doubt
If shattered, even the smallest bit, I find life here, soul here, peace here
I walk from here and am me, carrying the life of here with me