Mile after Mile

In every mile I left a part of myself
In every cloud I left a little fairytale
Would not turn around
My brain only knows how to go forward
Even if my heart is slower, lingering in my memories

Turning forward requires better energy than I have
Small increments is all I can handle
Focusing when my brain wants to be superficial
Splits me into separate personalities again

I am doing the best I can
The emotional ability available to me
Is not at a peak
And I am scared of staying in retreat

Somewhere out there is a cloud with my name on it
Somewhere I will start out on new ground
I feel myself gearing up for the emotional shift
While staving off the impatience to change

Broken

Broken

Down

Finally
Defenseless

Can't stop
The onslaught

Emotions turning
Churning until I am

No
more

Useless to stop
The FEAR

That once would only make me
STRONG

I have nothing
Right now

Lost myself
To fear of diagnosis

Once found and reveled
Is no more

Count me down
I won’t get up

Lost
What I had not found

Broken

Down

July 30, 2005

The Scream

The scream; anguish, a low rending sound that moans; cries
Pounds against the heart wanting release from its own misery

Pain; howling, snarling, scratching, relentless pursuit
Chasing down, coyotes, snapping at the heels, teeth bearing down 'till it can be felt

Rain patters, drops splash, cold, there is no shelter
Flinching; each drop falls, lonely and deserted with no roof in sight

Sadness; mourning, a wash of waterfalls that spill over this break in the bend
The current leaves no opportunities in this direction

A void, emptiness, a vastness where something valuable stood, then decimated
Connections are broken by nothing but distance and confusion

Shattered, fragile pieces, quiet explosion felt, blunt trauma to the heart and head
A whisper not uttered breaks delicateness into a million pieces

Coldness; shaking, icy wind numbs the face, a dream still dreamt
Refusing to die, shivering without a blanket to hold

Picking, the itchy scab that forms, ugly in its discoloration
Bleed wounds freely; no scar; new skin only

Ashes, gray, disguise the color, the beauty
Covering the shiny newness of a path traveled only a few steps

Scraping, sound, shivers, down the spine
The pick, the axe, working, shedding debris, knocking down the walls left standing

Frustration shouts, pounds, for action, no action can be taken; now
Action, only, to learn how to be softer, to mend, to re-grow what was given away,

Splashing, sinking down, drowning, a morbid reverberation,
Tossing away pieces, weights; once a part of the whole that impeded before

Wanting, craving, amending, somehow, useless
No words uttered now, can make a sound, meaningful?

Silence, softens, in its immensity, the edges with thought
Thoughts, changing perspective, soften the heart, do not disrupt the quiet solace

Sigh, temperate, a release of meaning
Resigned, sorrow, frustration, finally acceptance, then recovery

May 31, 2004

Recovery

I guess I can smile again; I caught myself just now
Some inconsequential moment in which you never figured me out
Caught myself playing the what if’ game should we ever meet again
I wondered if we could be friends without reservations

You tried to let me know softly; you let me know slowly to turn away
You tried to do what was right even when I turned a blind eye
I tried to do what was noble and least burdensome even though I just wanted to have fun
I wanted to idealize the potential without complications, yet give my heart softness and fullness

I was being idealistic and you were being realistic
You never promised what you couldn't give
Yet I was still holding out hope 'til I realized you were always saying goodbye
Then my heart broke all over again for all the possibilities that passed me by

There was a point where I wanted your heart to hurt as mine was
But then again I've never been good at wishing misery on others
At another point I questioned your heart and would not have believed anything
Yet I believe in you; my heart treasures those rare moments refusing to disparage them

We believed and then did not, letting impossibilities stand in our way
Maybe those obstacles were real because I see them now
This was not fool's gold even though all that shimmered I could not hold
Frustration at reaching for all that I value and coming up with air

Can't protect my heart after all the good you helped do, bringing down the walls guarding it
My heart stands alone wondering where all the joy it felt has gone
The bandage I ripped away was not fast enough; I'll heal and re-grow the piece I gave you
Then I can love fully, freely, even if the risk is now tenfold what it was

I can live again, once I move a little from this place
You know the scream, that anguished sound? My heart makes it now
I don't doubt it's wrong to resume along; still not what you think
We were not honest enough; forgiven, because we had nothing in which to grasp

You helped me dream again; knowing what I believe is what matters and holds worth
So imagine the surprise that appears in your eyes when I think of you and smile
I will take some time to move that smile from now to the past
I'll never think of you anything other than good

May 22, 2004

Here and There

Paradoxical Dichotomy

There: A whirlwind of flavors
The coffee is stronger
The food more flavorful
History a touch deeper

Upon coming home
No Joyous relief so Profound
Has been known as
Sinking, delicately, deliciously
Into my Pillow

Home, a place I have made for myself
A place where
Time, energy, and care
Make it my own

Life may seem a little more Colorful There
Here, A little more diluted
Richer for being there
Feel nothing so deep than the Plushness
Of Here

People there
As Different as here
Masks of Politeness; Gallic Shrugs
Political Demeanors and Friendly smiles
Candid teasing
Connecting the memories between There and Here

Treasuring certain moments
On very rare occasions
Witnessed landmarks the world knows
Yet are precious to me
For I have seen them

These recollections are pulled out: Sacred
Because I am here and not there
Not taking for granted such sights and people
Because not having seen them for a time
Here and there
I cherish Here

June 21, 2004

Sometimes Philosophy

Philosophy

Sometimes reality is what you believe
Believing what people perceive, what your heart whispers, or what your conditioning accepts

Sometimes perception doesn't count

Sometimes, given only two alternatives there exists a secret third option
Most ultimatums, even the one your mind creates, never truly exist

Sometimes we when choose our circumstances; we are obligated to find out our reasons why
Sometimes when given an opportunity, it’s best just to take it

Projecting out into the future can mean letting go of the present
Sometimes we are given what we need in the right now

Sometimes the learning is the most important lesson
Sometimes distance is just a state a mind

Sometimes catching up to say, 'slow down' is as important as catching up to walk with someone
Taking a step back to where you were, can be more objective than taking a step away, sometimes not

Sometimes even if you lose, the risk was worth taking the chance
Sometimes the chance is worth more than the risk and the loss

Even the scariest moments can gain us something
Fear contains a secret that will set you free

Sometimes absolutes are just in our imagination
Always and Never are extremes we should not have to choose

Sometimes the brick wall that you crash into, gives the greatest insight to yourself
If control were everything, then life would be best lived alone

Sometimes impossibilities are the only realities that matter
Sometimes differences offer the best choices

Sometimes ambition can get you where you're going as long as it doesn't take you away from yourself

Sometimes the standards you set for yourself are high enough
Sometimes living is the greatest feat of accomplishment

Sometimes, sometimes is everything
Sometimes, sometimes is the chance that comes along granting the wish you never knew you wanted

Sometimes you expect a moment to mean nothing more than the moment
Sometimes a moment changes who you are

May 30, 2004

Easy

Easy would be taking what I feel and putting it on a shelf or killing it off
Not having to deal with the chaos of emotions that swarm my head
Making each decision a cold analytical study instead of being unencumbered to feel
Could live in a bubble in which no one can reach me

Easy would be giving my heart away to anyone that came along
Enjoying moment by moment without contemplation or consequences
No responsibility for what I am feeling; feeling without thought
Every experience becomes tinged with falseness and anything real slips by

Easy would be being the Supreme Being in my universe
Knowing what life had in store and acting on a preplanned strategy
Arranging the world to my liking; shutting out what is distasteful to my palate
No one could affect me because I would have no heart

Easy would be staying home all the time becoming a recluse
The world would not exist for me; life would become peripheral
Not engaging with anyone or anything; numbed as if watching TV
My heart would be a vast winter land, disaffected and my brain would be on hold

Easy to give up on everyone and everything
Easy to trust the world for what it is
Easy to live in denial; to believe in all the world
Easy to be cynical and jaded
Easy to see just the black and white

Never want the easy way out
Never want to think that working reaching for what I want is too much
Never want to disregard colors or the shades of gray
Never want to think life is an either and an or
Never want to the see the impossibilities of trying to combine the extremes
Never want to let an opportunity go by because it is difficult
Never want to give up on hope
Never want to believe in easy

April 14, 2004