Broken

Broken

Down

Finally
Defenseless

Can't stop
The onslaught

Emotions turning
Churning until I am

No
more

Useless to stop
The FEAR

That once would only make me
STRONG

I have nothing
Right now

Lost myself
To fear of diagnosis

Once found and reveled
Is no more

Count me down
I won’t get up

Lost
What I had not found

Broken

Down

July 30, 2005

The Scream

The scream; anguish, a low rending sound that moans; cries
Pounds against the heart wanting release from its own misery

Pain; howling, snarling, scratching, relentless pursuit
Chasing down, coyotes, snapping at the heels, teeth bearing down 'till it can be felt

Rain patters, drops splash, cold, there is no shelter
Flinching; each drop falls, lonely and deserted with no roof in sight

Sadness; mourning, a wash of waterfalls that spill over this break in the bend
The current leaves no opportunities in this direction

A void, emptiness, a vastness where something valuable stood, then decimated
Connections are broken by nothing but distance and confusion

Shattered, fragile pieces, quiet explosion felt, blunt trauma to the heart and head
A whisper not uttered breaks delicateness into a million pieces

Coldness; shaking, icy wind numbs the face, a dream still dreamt
Refusing to die, shivering without a blanket to hold

Picking, the itchy scab that forms, ugly in its discoloration
Bleed wounds freely; no scar; new skin only

Ashes, gray, disguise the color, the beauty
Covering the shiny newness of a path traveled only a few steps

Scraping, sound, shivers, down the spine
The pick, the axe, working, shedding debris, knocking down the walls left standing

Frustration shouts, pounds, for action, no action can be taken; now
Action, only, to learn how to be softer, to mend, to re-grow what was given away,

Splashing, sinking down, drowning, a morbid reverberation,
Tossing away pieces, weights; once a part of the whole that impeded before

Wanting, craving, amending, somehow, useless
No words uttered now, can make a sound, meaningful?

Silence, softens, in its immensity, the edges with thought
Thoughts, changing perspective, soften the heart, do not disrupt the quiet solace

Sigh, temperate, a release of meaning
Resigned, sorrow, frustration, finally acceptance, then recovery

May 31, 2004

Recovery

I guess I can smile again; I caught myself just now
Some inconsequential moment in which you never figured me out
Caught myself playing the what if’ game should we ever meet again
I wondered if we could be friends without reservations

You tried to let me know softly; you let me know slowly to turn away
You tried to do what was right even when I turned a blind eye
I tried to do what was noble and least burdensome even though I just wanted to have fun
I wanted to idealize the potential without complications, yet give my heart softness and fullness

I was being idealistic and you were being realistic
You never promised what you couldn't give
Yet I was still holding out hope 'til I realized you were always saying goodbye
Then my heart broke all over again for all the possibilities that passed me by

There was a point where I wanted your heart to hurt as mine was
But then again I've never been good at wishing misery on others
At another point I questioned your heart and would not have believed anything
Yet I believe in you; my heart treasures those rare moments refusing to disparage them

We believed and then did not, letting impossibilities stand in our way
Maybe those obstacles were real because I see them now
This was not fool's gold even though all that shimmered I could not hold
Frustration at reaching for all that I value and coming up with air

Can't protect my heart after all the good you helped do, bringing down the walls guarding it
My heart stands alone wondering where all the joy it felt has gone
The bandage I ripped away was not fast enough; I'll heal and re-grow the piece I gave you
Then I can love fully, freely, even if the risk is now tenfold what it was

I can live again, once I move a little from this place
You know the scream, that anguished sound? My heart makes it now
I don't doubt it's wrong to resume along; still not what you think
We were not honest enough; forgiven, because we had nothing in which to grasp

You helped me dream again; knowing what I believe is what matters and holds worth
So imagine the surprise that appears in your eyes when I think of you and smile
I will take some time to move that smile from now to the past
I'll never think of you anything other than good

May 22, 2004

Here and There

Paradoxical Dichotomy

There: A whirlwind of flavors
The coffee is stronger
The food more flavorful
History a touch deeper

Upon coming home
No Joyous relief so Profound
Has been known as
Sinking, delicately, deliciously
Into my Pillow

Home, a place I have made for myself
A place where
Time, energy, and care
Make it my own

Life may seem a little more Colorful There
Here, A little more diluted
Richer for being there
Feel nothing so deep than the Plushness
Of Here

People there
As Different as here
Masks of Politeness; Gallic Shrugs
Political Demeanors and Friendly smiles
Candid teasing
Connecting the memories between There and Here

Treasuring certain moments
On very rare occasions
Witnessed landmarks the world knows
Yet are precious to me
For I have seen them

These recollections are pulled out: Sacred
Because I am here and not there
Not taking for granted such sights and people
Because not having seen them for a time
Here and there
I cherish Here

June 21, 2004

Sometimes Philosophy

Philosophy

Sometimes reality is what you believe
Believing what people perceive, what your heart whispers, or what your conditioning accepts

Sometimes perception doesn't count

Sometimes, given only two alternatives there exists a secret third option
Most ultimatums, even the one your mind creates, never truly exist

Sometimes we when choose our circumstances; we are obligated to find out our reasons why
Sometimes when given an opportunity, it’s best just to take it

Projecting out into the future can mean letting go of the present
Sometimes we are given what we need in the right now

Sometimes the learning is the most important lesson
Sometimes distance is just a state a mind

Sometimes catching up to say, 'slow down' is as important as catching up to walk with someone
Taking a step back to where you were, can be more objective than taking a step away, sometimes not

Sometimes even if you lose, the risk was worth taking the chance
Sometimes the chance is worth more than the risk and the loss

Even the scariest moments can gain us something
Fear contains a secret that will set you free

Sometimes absolutes are just in our imagination
Always and Never are extremes we should not have to choose

Sometimes the brick wall that you crash into, gives the greatest insight to yourself
If control were everything, then life would be best lived alone

Sometimes impossibilities are the only realities that matter
Sometimes differences offer the best choices

Sometimes ambition can get you where you're going as long as it doesn't take you away from yourself

Sometimes the standards you set for yourself are high enough
Sometimes living is the greatest feat of accomplishment

Sometimes, sometimes is everything
Sometimes, sometimes is the chance that comes along granting the wish you never knew you wanted

Sometimes you expect a moment to mean nothing more than the moment
Sometimes a moment changes who you are

May 30, 2004

Easy

Easy would be taking what I feel and putting it on a shelf or killing it off
Not having to deal with the chaos of emotions that swarm my head
Making each decision a cold analytical study instead of being unencumbered to feel
Could live in a bubble in which no one can reach me

Easy would be giving my heart away to anyone that came along
Enjoying moment by moment without contemplation or consequences
No responsibility for what I am feeling; feeling without thought
Every experience becomes tinged with falseness and anything real slips by

Easy would be being the Supreme Being in my universe
Knowing what life had in store and acting on a preplanned strategy
Arranging the world to my liking; shutting out what is distasteful to my palate
No one could affect me because I would have no heart

Easy would be staying home all the time becoming a recluse
The world would not exist for me; life would become peripheral
Not engaging with anyone or anything; numbed as if watching TV
My heart would be a vast winter land, disaffected and my brain would be on hold

Easy to give up on everyone and everything
Easy to trust the world for what it is
Easy to live in denial; to believe in all the world
Easy to be cynical and jaded
Easy to see just the black and white

Never want the easy way out
Never want to think that working reaching for what I want is too much
Never want to disregard colors or the shades of gray
Never want to think life is an either and an or
Never want to the see the impossibilities of trying to combine the extremes
Never want to let an opportunity go by because it is difficult
Never want to give up on hope
Never want to believe in easy

April 14, 2004

Ever and Now

If ever there was
If there ever could be
Without me
My ever will never see

Ever not to plan
Ever unfolds in the sands
Ever comes from now
Now to the future, will not bow

Now I will not forget
Now, what will become of it
Now is; in the now
Ever to those behind somehow

Ever is not what I dream
Now in the ever seam
Ever becomes a fantasy
The now is just a part of me

November 04,2000

Six Perfect Hours

Six perfect hours has ended
Opened ended; five months later
My heart lays exposed; my walls crumpled

Beauty lies heavy in the air the way sex does
Two people stripping down each others defenses
Erasing time
Building a world that exists wholly onto itself

A special point in time that captures every other moment
Nothing else can be built
Timing can not be manufactured

Reliving each frame as time slips by
Questioning words spoken serves no purpose
Silences are more fraught with meaning

Interpreting meaning is useless
For feeling is deep, deeper and stiller; glossed
A lake’s surface on a calm day

Perfection has no value
Other than what life takes as what's due
The toll as left me shattered
I would not change it as the reward has shifted us both

Take six hours and press it into tissue
Siena, the picture, that must be become a memory
Moments, sometimes, remain moments
Detours make the traveling too difficult

Six hours, a time warp in my mind
A merry-go-round that I keep hopping onto
Ending up not exactly where I started

My heart has deepened; meaning been gained
Dreams I had; you re-ignited; I work towards again
Sadness will not dwell here long
Holding onto to what’s reborn forever

September 17, 2004

Soothing

Soothing, the music caresses the soul the way water fills me, washes me in calm
Hearing the refrain brings a memory that sees, feels, and smells
Deep Blue Something’s song brings a laundry line, a guitar and man’s voice
Reminding me of a carefree girl that just found that the world is a jewel
A promise and a secret that belongs to her and anyone else who would seek it
Delight surrounds the air, dancing along the gentle breeze wafting with the notes of a cheap guitar

Memory is sealed some 10 years after, fossilized in the breast like the secret that cannot be told
Carrying the world on shoulders that know the sunlight touches life differently than it once did
Recollections and visits to the ocean redeem the choices
No longer is the world alight with infinite possibilities
A life and a direction now built knows what road was not taken
Wonderings at what else life could have held, better or worse, are only reflections

Yet, Blue Skies sings away maudlin ramblings and brings sunshine back into focus
I hear the choruses in certain moments and wish for the moment that life could be sung
Like an old Hollywood musical or a Broadway show, I would break out into song instead of speaking
Maybe I would tap or dance my way through periods of life
Seemingly others have at times expressed the moment more eloquently than I
I could stitch together the lyrics and sing my thoughts out

Seeing old friends brings to mind again that this instant is but a flash
Maybe the course is not set and possibilities are still alight in my mind
Sun arises again, and again I am washed by its light
The air is now cleaner and I breathe deep the chances that are offered to me
Being reminded that change comes constantly and consistently
Change evolves the mind making it sharper, kinder, and more aware

Taking moments such as these, spinning them around in the mind to see their refractions of light
Hold all these thoughts close to the heart and let them nourish my sometimes-deprived soul
From here I can take the next step into the next moment because I walk on a foundation
That step is where I can test my wings and feel the glory of wind as it rushes and lifts
It is a scary instant when progressing into the future because only hindsight is perfect
Yet I know I would be bereft of all the flights my soul is destined to take between here and eternity

Maybe the flight has a different tenor and resonance than the reckless flights before
Appreciating the scenery as well as the flight becomes a priority for the senses
Every granule is as important as the whole even though synergy makes the picture
Every heartbeat is unlocked, unfrozen and beats with renewed vigor
From above the water, the wind and land below still soothe me; making for an easy landing


February 1, 2004

Void

I miss you, I miss the whole of you
I miss the moment we were; I miss that feeling, like I could breathe
I miss the way you held me; the way your voice cradled me
I miss the way my soul sang at having a connection like that
I miss the joy when I thought about the moment we share
I miss the way you looked at me; the intensity is burned in my mind
I miss holding your hand; the way you held mine, so secure
I miss being in your arms; I miss laughing in your arms
I miss the silence in which we spoke
I miss teasing you and trying to make you laugh
I miss your smile
I miss your presence enfolding me in security like a hug
I miss the passion you ignited
I miss touching you; I miss your touch
I miss trying to figure you out; I miss the puzzle you created
I miss the trying, even through email
I miss the possibilities, the chances, the beginnings
I miss the learning, learning about each other
I miss when we tried
I miss you

May 22, 2004

Waiting for the Sun

Driving along the highway
I watched as a few stars peaked over the tree line
Feeling alone again and barricaded in the loneliness of my mind
The tree line gave way for a moment and the big dipper appeared
On the edge of the horizon

Quickly the trees appeared and again I saw only the twinkling of a few stars

Night comes heavier in Fall and only gives way to darker nights of Winter
Earlier and colder they come
As the chilled wind races over the highway

The stars come earlier too
Lighting the sky in crystal clarity that can only be cold
They sparkle, the billions of the them firing the years away
Coming to us only so we can see them; basking in our admiration

Their names twinkle to those who look up
Yet my neck is tired and heavy with disappointment
I am finding it hard to venture the stars own mythology that I love

Lend me your light will you?
It is hard to see at night with no moon
I must raise my gaze to you even then

The rhyme comes back to me from my teenage years
I am not doing a good job holding it back
Fulfilling every self-fulfilling prophecy

Yet it can't be true because my answering machine is suddenly alive
I must answer these calls like I do when the stars beg me to look up
For how else would I be alive?

December 07, 2005

Living In a Box

I like how you perceive me when you do not know who I am

I like your conception of me

I like the way you try and fit me into a box with labels already made

I like the fact that you got me all figured out

When I surprise you, it was just a fluke

When I do not judge you, it because you already have made my mind up for me

When I do not conform to the right or the left, it is because society is thinking for me

When I finally get angry, I am what you thought you would see, & you can say goodbye

So you do not understand that I cannot hate you

You cannot understand that I make up my own mind

You will not see the colors because the black and white is easier

You do not see that I have been there

I waited for you to show me who you are; what do I have to be so you can see me

See that even though all people are not the same that they share some compatibility

See that opportunities and chances in this life are sometime rare

See that if you judge me, you will never understand me

Go ahead and play with your friends because you like your bubble

New ideas cannot be welcome if they cause you to think about your perspective

Do not understand that everything is not defined

You, who would turn away if anyone defined you

Someday life is going to shock you and your character will be the better for it

Someday life is going change and you will not know where you are

Someday life is going to be harder than you realized

Someday life is going to reward you for living through it

May 15, 2004

Feel

I am not sure how I feel
Has it been so long since I started to strip away the walls
Too many, in abundance, to know what I feel
I don't want to be kept in darkness and secret
Need to fully know all my nuances
I am happy, sad, scared, irritated, and frustrated

Frustration is slowly dying
Fear is standing on the brink
Sadness is examining the past
Irritation doesn't want to be in existence but hasn't played it's turn out
Happiness in knowing someone new;
teaching me the next lesson of this journey

I am cautious in my new acquaintances
Waiting to see what connection I am making
I reach and find gladness in knowing that someone out there is:
True, good, sweet, passionate, fun and knows that touching is how we survive

I hang in the balance
Approaching this wall that was hidden away
Exploring it for it's function; purpose
I wait to see which way my heart jumps
Yet I know that no matter;
This is worth the knowing

The Unwritten Soundtrack

Music surrounded; in and of itself,
layered harmonies, melodies; simplistic, raw, pure
a soundtrack that occupies my waking moments note by note, building chords, riffs and then
progressions where all my vignettes are intertwined with song except
for this one

there is nothing that describes this fear
of losing what I have barely found
closing doors which have only been cracked open

no love song, no country cliché of heartbreak
no stereotypical pop formula to capture this gritty
devastating and irrational fear

Mozart could not bring this raw gripped feeling forward, not like
Bach whose Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor is aptly made
for a cheesy Bela Lugosi film; the monster he plays appears on screen
in some musty dank castle preparing to lure in his next victim
as the music starts
the Tocatta

the same music yet captures me running after the promise
I found in me, a special part that freed me from my own walls
Not unlike the villagers burning the castle in order to
save their children; I only long to enjoy my new found self
making sure I am not ripped from it

I rather be swept up in the Brandenburg Concerto No. 2
or lifted by Water Music Suite – by Handel
to be that noble, full of joy, the sunshine of just a smile
combined with the magic of Vildaldi’s Seasons –Spring
nothing can’t be handled in that place
that fairytale land where confidence doesn’t flee you
where life is all of what is inside

Sun

Sun calling my name
Shine on me
Light my mind with clarity

Sun holding onto me
Firing up in the embrace
Melting down, I feel whole

Sun bring me out from these hazy shadows
Glare down on the fear that follows me in my image
Vanquished I come out to play

Sun pour in me and I pour to you
We are one
Bright and radiant as all the rest

Warm

Want

A stop; re-evaluation
Organize; Categorize
According to the alpha
To the numeric
To priorities set by the head
Set by the heart
By both

Organize by remembrances
By childhood happiness
By adult dissatisfaction
By the wildness of doing things never been done before

Maybe all the above
Maybe by none
By something new

Life; too pretty, too tempestuous not to make decisions
Me, for myself, demands thought and passion

Setting forth on an adventure
No baggage
No expectations
Searching for the elusive creature want

On safari beyond boundaries
Parasailing for the first time
Body Surfing tremendous tides
Riding a horse without holding the reins
Shivers down the spine
Falling in Love
Making a friend
Traveling to places, new

Defining, redefining
Editing
Polishing
Exploring to find what I want

Never wanting to not want at all

Blush

I'm falling back now
I'm leaning in to where the warmth is
I'm learning my needs
Without knowing the questions,
I'm given the knowledge of how

I am lighter with my insight
I am sadder in looking back
I am delicate in the strength
Fragile in every new step
Easier; faith is being restored

A new wind blows
I breathe freer
Stronger

Not so heavy
Not so hard
Not so cold
No philosophy is burying me

Feeling the flowers that have touched my face
The sun that has kissed me
Passionately; Sweetly
Highlighted am I

Elements

Wishing it had a half-life
Instead of burning inside of me, a never-ending fire
Tearing me up with no outlet
Now unsure of myself; so out of control
Always on a knife's edge
Leaning against it to keep the pain fresh
Scarring will never form and never heal
Beautiful in the beginning
when sharing was a star forming from the heat
bursting, explosive and transforming
Worlds form so far from each other
Orbits that never touch from the uncertainty
And it's all so precious this tortuous solidification of the elements

Breathe You Pretty

Fell over my head and wouldn't come up
Pushed away and now feel the loss
Your silence deafens the darkest point of the night
I'd climb that mountain if you had not been the one to put it there
All because I left these words too long
Time felt early even though the sky looked late
Like a winter's day when twighlight comes so soon
I grieve the space between my feelings and what became reality
Standing, looking for the swirl of colors that floated before my eyes
Seeing shadows of the life rearranged and turned
Feeling it all over again would float me away, eagerly
It would not happen with you
Yet I still breathe you pretty

Fallen

If love is an energy, then where does it go when hope falls behind?
Can thoughts travel to the person who is the object of them?
Will good-will travel at the speed of light or that of sound?
When all communication stops what senses pick up the slack?

How come tears shed continuously form no puddle?
Can snow reflect the light lost by the clouds?
Where are all the dogwoods in the city I remember?
Is practicality all that important or do dreams become reality?